It is a long time ago, and so are my memories of that time very vague. More than twenty-five years, ago that my parents had this terrible quarrels and parted. Only for half a year, but for a child is an eternity.
I was maybe five when it all started, but how long will it before in my parents' marriage was no longer around, I can only guess. Maybe half a year before my seventh birthday, my father was gone. There is a photo of me on my enrollment in this summer. A blonde girl shows closed-acting with very long, very thin legs and a red school bag on his back. It sits on the porch of Grandma and playing with the loop of the cornet. My father is in any of the pictures from this period, these photos and when I first looked at again, I wondered whether to start my school at all there was. I can not remember.
My oldest niece is now as old as I did, a bit older. Yesterday at his parents' barbecue-law told my brother, he would really like to travel just around the world - a reverie, as they are in a relaxed and cozy conversation are happy times from him. The little girl burst into tears. Although she was tired, but it also has a very close bond with their father, and she was only to calm down when her father assured her that he would stay home. "Papa, 'Do not travel the whole world, that's far too dangerous," insisted the small, thin girl with wet eyes and clung to her father. Thus children with six or seven years.
My father was not the whole world, he only went to another bed and then out of our house, from our everyday life. My mother went, on the barricades and then to a still-grieving to accusing victim. Such was the world back then. Initially, the two fought. To me it seems in retrospect before as though the left an eternity till today. Again and again the same scene: My Mother weeping, either at the kitchen table or in bed, my father screaming and shouting and fleeing behind, slamming the door behind him. Then seconds later the car rolled out of the garage. Date of return? Doubtful ...
My father, the deceiver, the foreign walkers was, then, consequently, the one who left the house. Our parents, we announced one evening in the living room. I still remember clearly how I sat astride the lap of my mother terribly and cried. "Dad will not go away!" But he went. From that time we visited him on Sunday in a bleak furnished apartment in the neighboring village five kilometers away. It was strange and barren and quite different than at home. Sometimes he made fried eggs. Sometimes he took us swimming in the nearby spa. But he was not there. And my mother was suffering to himself. She also was not there. No one was there.
We went to "Mother and Child Health". We were in the North Sea and in Dangast Rengshausen, a tiny hole somewhere in the Hessian. I connect with both place names the pure sadness. Shell paths, bunk beds, treading water ... All this, because it went bad mother and the father was not there. Over all was a hard to describe depression.
Many details I only know from stories. Much, much later, told a joint shopping trip my Mother once a day was my father returned, and she herself is not even been sure whether she wanted him back, but then my sister had appeared in her nightgown and begged that Dad may come back should. She was then nine, as she would want something else to do? My cousin told me the story a little different: My mother asked my sister if Papa was to move again. She put the responsibility for that decision in the hands of their oldest daughter, knowing that this would not deny. When my mother said spree said: "I have said then for your sake, yes, I have carried out the marriage for your sake!" Consistent
said to me almost my entire family, they thought I was too young have been to any of it mitzukriegen. But I have noticed a lot. Many assumptions that I had to revise cumbersome: "men are assholes, while women can not be angry, never." "Men leave a necessarily" At the same time: ! "The most important thing is that you have a man, because no you can not exist as a woman! Woman has to make sacrifices, " I find it in retrospect now no longer strange to me that those men are most attracted, were the least emotionally available, without obligation did not want to 'close ties. For I myself a long time was never able to let someone close enough to me, not when there was the prospect that he would be right back out of the dust. I thought that was not natural. To this end, it took an intense examination of my history. Of course there was in me an enormous hunger for parental care, which then had further consequences for me: I asked my father never in question, I forgave him everything and never contradicted, he did everything right, begging for his approval and affection. I went to his agony aunt when he again with me about his affairs, and leaving out the shortcomings of my mother. For my mother I was always the strong, the counselor, adult than herself, she called me whenever she in her marriage again was not clear, and just as stubbornly ignored my advice. I thought that I was responsible for the world of my parents back just a bit too far. A long and damaging history for me that has only recently come to an end because I wanted it that way.
meantime, we are long grown up, my sister and me. My sister is still the brave, good daughter, who would do anything for the recognition of the parents. Mother is always not yet divorced, but continues to suffer. My father enjoys the benefits of a wife who puts up with everything and only too willing to overlook what you want to see it is not, but it is alien to himself. Sometimes I play with the thought of what would have happened if they had actually divorced. Had they both been happier? I doubt it. And we? This too is a question that I can not answer. For me is clear, however: My parents could have made our lives easier, if they had an open and constructive set apart with their own feelings, seek advice might have. For this purpose they are to today not able to capture the inability to understand himself and then sent to the look away from himself to others. They are in principle the children and failed to grow up before they got their own children.
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